Kindness is the death of bullying

BY WENDY POST
Published: April 18, 2010

Principal Diane Tymoski (left), is pictured with the Family Student Advisor Kay Robinson in front of an affirmation displayed in the hallway at Waverly Middle School.

On March 28, 2010, according to national reports, six teenagers and three juvenile students were charged in connection with the death of Phoebe Prince, the South Hadley, Mass. student and teenager who allegedly took her own life in response to a barrage of bullying. The 15-year-old was an exchange student from Ireland.

In the same reports, an 11-year-old Massachusetts boy, Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover, hanged himself on April 4, 2010 after enduring bullying at school, including daily taunts of being gay, despite his mother’s weekly pleas to the Springfield, Mass. school to address the problem.

These forms of bullying, although extreme in their outcomes, are not uncommon. According to the National Center for Education Statistics (NCES), a recent report revealed that there is noticeably more bullying in middle school (grades 6, 7, and 8) than in senior high school; that emotional bullying is the most prevalent type of bullying, with pushing / shoving / tripping / spitting on someone being second; and that cyberbullying is — for the middle grade levels — the least prominent type of bullying, but is greater in the last three years of high school than in grades 6 through 9.

The report further revealed that most school bullying occurs inside the school, a lesser amount on school property, and even less on the school bus. The least occurs in other areas. And that middle school students, and particularly 6th graders, were most likely to be bullied on the bus.

The report also identified the responses by the victim as resulting in low self-esteem, difficulty in trusting others, lack of assertiveness, aggression, difficulty controlling anger, and isolation.

But for some working in the field of education and adolescence, the concept of bullying is not new — and is a situation that can be combated through training, and programs to deter this type of activity among students.

Kay Robinson, who serves as a family and student advisor for the Waverly Middle School in New York, began putting bullying deterrents in place 15 years ago. According to Robinson, the training she offers to other staff and to students is not so much focused on the actual bullying — which is hard to prevent — but is more focused on how the students react to it.

"We can’t stop people from bullying," said Robinson, "but we can work with students to assist them on how to react to it."

Robinson, who has worked for the Waverly School District for 20 years, started her quest to combat bullying 15 years ago after receiving training that would enable her to educate her peers about the effects of bullying, and how to deal with it.

When Robinson began this quest she was working for the three elementary schools in the Waverly School district, and found most of the bullying was taking place on the playground.

And when she transferred to the middle school, where she serves as an advisor, her task became even greater. But working with Middle School Principal Diane Tymoski, the two have put together a solid program that, according to Tymoski, has a 90-percent resolution rate among their 247 students.

Robinson and Tymoski also talked about the problems that students face during their middle school experience with bullying, and why these challenges call for a stringent program that forbids this type of behavior.

To learn more, we spoke with three students from the middle school who chose to remain anonymous. For this story, they chose to be referred to as Molly, Holly and Dolly for purposes of detailing their own experiences.

To learn the dynamics of those who bully, we first talked to Holly who is an 8th grade student at the Waverly Middle School. Being the only girl in a family

　

with boys, Holly considered herself a tomboy of sorts, and soon found herself being labeled the troublemaker because of her incidents of bullying.

According to Holly, she would often pick on people for the way they dress, and used her physical stature and boldness to intimidate people. "If someone I hung with was being picked on I would stick up for them," said Holly. Holly even went as far as to place spiders on the desk of a girl from her elementary grade that was afraid of them. This act caused her elementary peer to hyperventilate and eventually withdraw from the school.

Tymoski talked of Holly’s behaviors, and noted that she had quite a few visits to her office. "When we first met with her," said Tymoski, "she didn’t even realize she was bullying other students."

Robinson soon intervened and began to work with Holly, and today she is a changed person. "I initially asked her - how would you like to be treated that way," said Robinson. "We try to educate them on what bullying is, and how it makes others feel."

Robinson and Tymoski also relate the dynamics of interaction between students back to their families, and noted that if they are bullying, then that means they have usually been bullied.

When asked, Holly admitted that her brother, who is two years older than her, bullies her.

But after working with Robinson to help correct these behaviors, Holly now says that she is interacting better with other students, and has quit bullying. "I feel better about myself now," said Holly. "Everyone used to look at me as being bad, and the teachers were always watching me."

On the other end of the spectrum, Dolly, who is a 13-year old middle school student, was bullied throughout grade school - and gets bullied now. But Dolly has learned the skills needed to cope with bullying, and described the way that she reacts to it.

Dolly told of a recent incident in which she went to her locker, and another girl from her school came up to her and just started screaming at her. When asked of her reaction, Dolly said she simply ignored her and walked away.

But this reaction was not without an emotional toll. Dolly further explained how this confrontation made her nervous, and she was afraid to attend school in fear that the other student would harm her physically.

Dolly brought the situation to Robinson for mediation, and the two are not only getting along now, but they are also friends. "If I get picked on I will ignore it," said Dolly. "But if that doesn’t work, then I will bring it to Mrs. Robinson."

Seventh grade student Molly has also been picked on and bullied through her elementary and middle school years. Standing at less than five feet tall, and weighing no more than 100 pounds, Molly grew up as an only girl with two brothers and was picked on frequently by them in her younger years.

Described by Tymoski as being extremely academic with good grades, Molly thinks that most of her problems derived from the fact that she is smart. "I got picked on because I’m smart," said Molly. "Sometimes other students would want help and answers with their homework and I felt like I had to help them," she added.

But after working with Robinson, and learning some coping skills of her own, Molly has grown more assertive. "Now I tell them I’ll help them," said Molly, "but I won’t give them the answers."

But this cycle of adolescence and raw emotions that students, especially in the middle school grades, endure is just part of the process of growing up and learning. Tymoski expounded on this period of adolescence, stating it’s a difficult age.

"We call them Tweeners," said Tymoski. "It’s a really tough age." And that is why Tymoski, alongside Robinson, have a program that provides zero tolerance for bullying, and work together to tackle it head on.

According to Robinson, most of the problems among the students stem from rumors. "One student will say something about another student," said Robinson, "and it will spiral out of control."

It is at that point that Robinson will intervene and provide mediation. Describing the process, Robinson said she will sit down with both parties, and they can’t interrupt each other. "Once one is done telling their side, then I will let the other student rebut."

Robinson further explained that the students involved usually come up with their own solution, and then have to sign a written agreement for resolve. "If that doesn’t work," she added, "then it goes to the principal."

But with a 90 percent success rate during mediation, Tymoski and Robinson feel confident that their program is effective. And for Molly, Dolly and Holly, the one time elementary rivals are now friends - and they have learned to be a little bit kinder to each other.

"Kindness needs to be practiced to become effective," said Tymoski of what the students have learned. "By practicing kindness, you become a better and happier person - and kindness, more than anything else, is the death of bullying."